BREAKING: OJ Simpson Back In Custody

OJ Simpson was arrested late Tuesday evening at a nightclub outside of Oxenflood, New York, just south of a little-known Canadian border crossing upstate. Simpson, who was armed with a pistol and a knife, was carrying a fake Canadian passport and nearly $400K in cash.

He would have slipped across the border unnoticed with his established coyote friend from town who knows all of the US Customs officers at the border, which consists of what looks like a four-lane tollbooth, had he not stopped for a drink.

It was there in town that someone recognized him after everyone involved had too much to drink. “OJ Simpson!: said the townie, “What’s it like to kill somebody?” Simpson didn’t take kindly to the answer and smashed a beer bottle across the poor kid’s head.

Within minutes the club’s bouncers had Simpson outside where New York State Police determined that he was in violation of his parole in Nevada and considered a fugitive from justice. He was booked into the local county jail in Fishkill as “Transfer 573.”

US Marshals will usher him back to Nevada in the morning where he’ll answer federal charges before being brought to his parole officer’s mercy. It is likely that he’ll never see freedom again.

 

About Flagg Eagleton 20 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.