UPDATE: Jared Kushner ‘Fighting For His Life’ After Hit And Run

Ivanka Trump’s husband, Jared Kushner, is “clinging to life,” according to the on-call surgeon at Mercy General. Dr. Lancaster Murphy of the Brighton Beach Murphy’s, one of the best neurosurgeons in the world, texted from Sri Lanka that he wouldn’t be able to attend but he’d be “happy to look at the rads.”

That’s when the bad news happened. Lan Murphy signed Kushner’s death warrant with a prognosis of “imminent death.” According to the official diagnosis:

“Subject suffered a severed spinal cord at the base of the skull. Responsiveness deteriorated and brain death will occur with hours. Without artificial support, the subject won’t last six hours.

No amount of medical intervention will suffice.”

Ivanka, who is currently in Florida with her father on state business, says she’ll fly back tomorrow if the President can spare her to be with him for his last breath. Kushner is being transferred to the ICU at Cedars Sinai to be intubated until his family can join him.

Police and federal investigators are looking for a late model sedan with tinted windows that may be either dark jewel green or opal metallic black with the last three license plate numbers B1O. Police aren’t ruling out an assassination attempt considering Kushner’s close contact with Ivanka, President Trump’s most trusted advisor.

About Flagg Eagleton 20 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.